Confessions of a Confused Worship Leader

Preparation - the key to Success? (or How to Mentally Slap Yourself and feel better)

2011-04-19T22:15:00.005+01:00

"Before anything else, preparation is the key to success." - Alexander Graham Bell

Let me begin by saying I know I am my own worst critic. I often spend large amounts of my week mentally slapping myself on the forehead in disbelief at my own stupidity. I suffer frequent out of body experiences where I witness, with perfect court-side seats, often agape in horror, the bile spewing forth from my mouth. Or repeatedly surveying a comic caricature of myself making the same stupid mistakes again and again and again and again…like the bee trying to make his escape through a closed window.

So most of the time the head slapping is justified (my closest friends and especially my wife can testify to that). There are occasions however where my self-berating is wholly uncalled for.

This was made clear to me a couple of weeks ago.

Most of the time, if I am scheduled to lead worship on Sunday morning, I will also be leading worship at our Café Church that same evening. I would generally spend the start of the week preparing for the Thursday night practice – which is primarily for the Sunday morning service. After the Thursday practice is over I would then turn my attention to Café Church – a much more relaxed and informal service.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I had finished the arrangements for Sunday morning but just kept putting off preparations for Sunday night. It got so bad that 2 hours before the service was to start I still had nothing. Whatever the worship leading equivalent of writers-block is, I had it. Panic set in. I just flicked through my music files and picked a few tunes to take to the sound-check / rehearsal. Why had I left it to the last minute? I should have forced myself to spend time on it, pray about it, read through the sermon a few more times at least pick up the guitar and play something.

Well I took the pieces to the band and they played them well (as they usually do) but it wasn’t right. I knew it wasn’t right. It was far deeper than a gut feeling. I was in no doubt that the Holy Spirit was like “Er…no thanks, what else you got”. So half an hour before the service was to start I found myself in one of the back rooms surrounded by sheet music with my head in my hands praying desperately for some clear guidance.

With a few minutes to spare a new list of songs was put together, unconvincingly distributed to the band and the visuals team and with no time to think we were straight into it.

The musicians God has placed around me are fantastic. Their ability to adapt to the many challenges and changes I throw at them is amazing. I am truly humbled by the trust they have in me as a leader and their faith that God is in control even in the chaos that is Richhill Methodist Worship Team.

Despite my lack of faith in the song choice for that night it could not have gone any better. The car crash I expected never came. God was glorified with shouts of praise, the Holy Spirit moved, God’s word was preached and there was a real encounter with God. Each aspect of the service fitted together perfectly.

Well I was annoyed. My face was tripping me. I was mentally slapping myself once more on the forehead “Why would God want to use a useless, lazy person like me.” or “You don’t deserve for things to go well”.

It then hit me. It was like the light was turned on. It was like I was given a glimpse behind the curtain. The message was clear – I really don’t deserve for things to go well. I don’t deserve any of the blessings God pours out on me daily. But that’s grace. God blesses us freely. There’s no magic formula to receiving God’s blessing. There’s no secret ritual. It’s a gift from God.
(Ephesians 1)

Preparation for worship does not come from spending vast amounts of time churning over sheet music and working on arrangements. It comes from spending time with God. The best preparation for leading worship is to have spent time sitting at God’s feet during the week, praying and meditation on his word. It is only when me know God that we can truly worship God. It is only when we are worshiping God that we can lead others into a place of worship.

Musicians - this Easter week I want to encourage you to think less about the chords for When I Survey the Wondrous Cross and spend time surveying the wondrous cross. Don’t worry about the drum beat in To Be in Your Presence and spend time just resting in God’s presence.

Psalm 27

⁴ One thing I ask from the LORD,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
⁵ For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.

A Slap in the Face is Worth Two in the Hand (or How Spurgeon is determined to give me sleepless nights)

2011-01-25T00:46:00.006Z

The iniquities of our public worship, its hypocrisy, formality, lukewarmness, irreverence, wandering of heart and forgetfulness of God, what a full measure have we there! Our work for the Lord, its emulation, selfishness, carelessness, slackness, unbelief, what a mass of defilement is there! Our private devotions, their laxity, coldness, neglect, sleepiness, and vanity, what a mountain of dead earth is there! If we looked more carefully we should find this iniquity to be far greater than appears at first sight. - Spurgeon Morning and Evening (8th Jan)

What a slap in the face. What a cold bucket of water. To know it lingers in the back of your mind is easy to ignore most of the time. We make up nonsensical excuses to explain our shortcomings or just point-blank deny their existence. Its not even a Sunday morning mask, it's much more inherent than that, like a piece of code written into my DNA - The We're Grand Code. Yet to see such a list of shameful motivations and to feel each syllable sting has really taken my breath away. When you look at the maps in shopping centres / Zoos / Theme Parks they have the helpful note on that says "YOU ARE HERE" with a little arrow. Well as I read through Spurgeon's scourging language (written well over a hundred years ago) I am made aware of the big pointy sign which reads "YOU ARE HERE".

Hypocrisy - ALTON YOU ARE HERE

Selfishness - ALTON YOU ARE HERE

Carelessness - ALTON YOU ARE HERE etc...

There's a brilliant episode of Family Guy where Peter gets caught lying about something (I can't remember what), but this character then pops up throughout the episode to point at Peter saying "You're a phoney - this guy's a phoney". I spend a lot of time looking over my shoulder waiting for that man to appear and point the finger at me and shout "Phoney - this guys a great big phoney"

I can bluff my way through leading worship - chose the right songs, come up with the right arrangements, say the right things between songs - and yet underneath be this spiritual cripple. No that's not right. I don't know what the crusty stuff on the roof of an old, unwashed microwave is called but that's how I feel sometimes - spiritually like that microwaved crusty stuff.

Yet God still calls me his son. In my weakness his strength is perfected (2 Cor 12 v 9). He picks me up dusts me off and tells me again about how much he loves me. And before I can say the words 'Sorry' out loud his arms are around me.

I hope that The Spirit of God continues to slap me across the face - be it through Spurgeon or anyone else he wishes to use. I don't want to be on autopilot, especially when it comes to worshiping God. I want to be grateful for each breath and when I sing I want to feel each lyric of a song or every rise and fall in the music. I want to lead not by choosing the right songs or arrangements but by being a true worshiper - in Spirit and in Truth (John 4 v 23).

7 Months in the Blogging Wilderness (or How Easyjet Failed to Kill Me...This Time)

2010-11-08T21:51:00.002Z

I am really embarrassed. That is the only way to describe the feeling I have right now regarding my blog. Despite an eagerness to find a valid excuse or someone to take the blame for my action (or more appropriately, lack of action) the reality is I have no one to blame but myself. Although for the next 80 words I will try to lump the blame on to my brother. He won’t mind, firstly because he has broad shoulders and can take it but more importantly he’ll never read this blog so there’ll be no come back.

Let me take you back to the start of the year. I had set myself the challenge of writing one blog a week for an entire year. In addition to that challenge I had decided to give up playing the Xbox for Lent (no doubt encouraged by my blog writing progress). It was all going brilliantly when in the midst of my celebratory smugness, I was too busy high-fiving myself to notice the massive hole I was about to fall in.

Smack bang in the middle of Lent my calendar informed me that my brother was coming to stay. I knew that this was going to be a challenge resisting the urge to play the Xbox when he was around due to our innate need to compete against each other (I believe it is written in to our DNA). It also turns out that playing Xbox is one of the only things I am actually better than my brother at. So under normal circumstances it is vitally important to seize every opportunity to redress the balance and notch up a much needed win for the home team. Irrespective of these factors I was fairly confident that I would be able to resist the urge to play, after all I’m on a journey of discovery; a deeply spiritual sojourn; a divine path that surpasses any petty sibling rivalry. Here’s how I remember the conversation going:

Me: Hi Bro, hows it going? Great to see you

Brother: Going good. It’s great to be over again. Fancy a game of FIFA on the Xbox

Me: Okay

What can I say? On the back of that decision everything spiralled out of control. Guilt, which is so often seen hand-in-hand with Failure, punch me square in the gut. It took the wind away from me. From the moment I picked up that Xbox controller I was against the ropes. It wasn’t a Rocky moment where despite being pummelled for an hour I would rise with a killer uppercut and finish arms raised in victory. It was Mike Tyson (in his prime) vs. Mr Muscle (without any of his sprays). One punch and I was on the canvas. In the space of 5 days I had broken both Lent and my New Year's Resolution!

So the reason I didn’t write the blog that week was guilt, the reason I didn’t write the blog the week after that was shame and every other week after that it was embarrassment. It is silly how we let guilt and shame tie us up in knots. How something so small can grow into something so all-consuming and cumbersome.

So here I am today facing my shame, fear and embarrassment saying sorry to anyone who will listen in the hope that I can reclaim my therapeutic blog which I have really missed (everyone needs to vent once in a while). Thanks to everyone in the last 10 days who seemingly simultaneously mentioned the blog to me in one way or another, encouraging me to just get over myself and start writing again.

Oh, and Easyjet didn’t kill me as my last post may have suggested. Don’t you just hate a cliff-hanger ending.

’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,

And grace my fears relieved;

How precious did that grace appear

The hour I first believed.

My chains are gone

I’ve been set free

My God My Saviour has ransomed me

And like a flood, His mercy reigns

Unending love, amazing grace

Slapping the Gift Horse in the Mouth (or How The World and His Dog Will Eventually Have His Day)

2010-02-26T21:55:00.005Z

I am currently sitting in Belfast International Airport waiting for my flight to Edinburgh. From the moment this weekend away was suggested to me I just knew it could only end in disaster – only time will tell how disastrous.

It all goes back to Christmas. Despite the World and his Dog being against us we manage to fight our way through the snowy motorways on Christmas Eve to my mum’s house on the north side of Edinburgh. It was like driving through a montage of picturesque Christmas card scenes with children walking up the snow drenched hills pulling sledges behind them, families of fern trees huddled together glistening proudly in their new white winter coats, emergency service vehicles pulling battered people carriers out of roadside hedges (okay the last one you probably won’t find on a Christmas card).

Despite the warnings on the radio to not drive unless you had to (who listens to them anyway – certainly not the family now in the hedge) we arrived late on Christmas Eve. The following morning arrived with an excitement level I hadn’t experienced for many years – mainly thanks to my 2 year old son, who for weeks had been singing Santa Claus is coming to town to now realise his singing dreams had come true (it was also his birthday – a fact he isn’t so aware of at the moment but I’m sure in the years to come he will hate with every feigned smile as he accepts another present that is “for your Christmas AND Birthday”)

Anyway, during our usual exchange of gifts my brother presented me with a card. I had been forewarned that this gift was an ‘experience’ rather than a traditional physical gift. The vagueness of it all added to the excitement. As I began to force open the envelope I could feel the eyes of everyone in the room fix on me. Out the corner of my eye I even saw a faint smile appear in the corner of my brothers lips. I pulled out the card and everyone leaned in close to capture the joyous moment as the details of this mystifying gift were revealed.

My first indication that something was wrong was that the card had a Manchester United badge on the front. Having been an Arsenal fan for most of my adult life I gave out a little chuckle and thought This is just my brother playing one of his little practical jokes. I read the inside of the card and it said I’d be going to watch Manchester United play West Ham at Old Trafford. Well at this point I KNEW it was a practical joke.

I was aware that my brother was talking at me but I didn’t hear what he was saying. My entire brain function was trying to work out what the actual present could be – were there hidden clues within the text. Eventually, deciding that my brother wasn’t clever enough for that game, I looked up. The expression cast upon the gathered crowd was one of total confusion; to which my mother responded “Look, he’s speechless!!!”

I appreciate now that the first words you say after receiving a present are fairly important. Popular responses have included the classic lines: “Wow, that’s brilliant. You shouldn’t have” or “Wow, how did you know I’ve always wanted one of those” or even the simplistic chic of the timeless and at times much underated “Thank you!”

After much consideration I realise now that my dead-pan “Is this a joke?” response was never going to win any awards. I didn't want to seem ungrateful but I just couldn’t see what the present was. It’s Manchester United for crying out loud!!! One of the teams I despise most in the world (Second in fact, right behind Hibs).

Once the initial shock of the gift and my subsequent response had passed I was able to find out that yes we were going to the match but we’d be sitting with the player’s wives and injured players, we’d get to go into the player’s lounge maybe even down on to the pitch. Even I had to admit that it would be a pretty cool day out.

Anyway since that moment nothing has gone right. United managed to get into the Carling Cup Final meaning our match would be postponed. With the flights already booked my brother suggested watching Hearts take on Aberdeen in the Granite City instead (which excited me more than watching United, Hearts actually being my first footballing love). Now with 2 days to go before the match Northern Scotland receives a severe battering of snow grinding Aberdeenshire to a halt (I knew it was bad when the first thing I heard on the radio this morning was that 30 Schools in Aberdeenshire would be closed today). So it’s looking more and more likely that the game will be called off. At least I’d still get to spend the weekend with my family I foolishly thought to myself unaware that the World and his Dog I’d so sneakily avoided on Christmas Eve would be conspiring with even greater menace this weekend.

I’ve been at the airport for over an hour now (hence the longer than usual blog), and the notice board is still flashing those hateful words ’DELAYED - RELAX AND SHOP’ almost mockingly.

I should just call it quits, turn around and go home but why miss out on the ever-exciting adventure that is travelling with Easyjet! What else could possibly go wrong!

Lent: Cadburys vs the Xbox (or How the Melton Mowbury Pork Pie can Change Your Life)

2010-02-20T00:20:00.002Z

“Oh, time is on my side, yes it is” – The Rolling Stones
Time may be on the side of the Rolling Stones but I can tell you it most certainly is not on my side!

I start my Monday mornings off by wishing it was Friday already and yet every Friday that comes around I wonder where the week has gone.

I’m often complaining about the lack of time I have. So I figured it was the right moment to sit down and assess where I’m spending most time and where I can maybe save a few minutes.

There are obviously certain areas of my life which are considered non-negotiable. For example work – I can’t work less hours, they’d have to pay me less and I have bills to pay and a family to provide for. Okay I can work less hours and not tell them I’m working less and just hope that no one notices. If anyone is familiar with my work you’ll know I might just get away with that for a while but certainly not forever – even my bosses aren’t that stupid (I’m so tempted to say something smart here but I’ll just leave it blank and let you come up with your own comment about the intelligence of your own employers...............................) .

I could easily shave several minutes off my daily routine if only I were willing to compromise on my personal hygiene. Brush my teeth every other day; don’t wash my hands after going to the toilet; take a shower only when people refuse to get in a lift with me! Simple
Here’s another idea, why not only eat food that doesn’t require cooked! Think of the hours you could save each week by only eating Melton Mowbray Pork Pies and Quavers!

Any way this week is the start of Lent. There were the usual discussions at work about what people were giving up. The usual suspects lined up, the unholy trinity: Cigarettes, Chocolate and Alcohol. Lent is traditionally a time for believers to prepare themselves through prayer, penitence, almsgiving and self-denial for Easter and the commemoration and celebration of the death and resurrection of Christ (thanks Wikipedia). But in our office it is just about giving up stuff. I had briefly contemplated giving up chocolate but I realised that my motives behind that would actually be to lose weight and I really wanted it to be about more than just a challenge. Was there something I could do to encourage my prayer life or time studying God’s word? Then out of the blue a colleague challenged me to give up playing my Xbox for Lent. I laughed at first and then realised what a brilliant idea that was. Okay I don’t play it that much - usually just at the weekends and occasionally during the week when the wife goes to bed early, and sometimes when I come home from work...okay I play it a fair bit.
So hopefully this will help ease my time problems. I hope to get through a few books (or as my mate said at least a shed load of pamphlets), pray more and spend some time in the quiet just listening. Who knows what I’ll hear.

p.s. instead of playing Xbox after work today I made Chocolate Chip Muffins!!! ROCK! Oh and yes I did shower today.

Reasons I Feel I’m Getting Old Part 1 (or How Being Showered With Beer is Losing Its Appeal)

2010-02-12T18:25:00.003Z

This week I attended a gig at Mandela Hall in Belfast. It has been a long time since I’ve gone to a gig. My recent musical excursions have all been concerts. What’s the difference between a gig and a concert I hear you say? Well, concerts tend to be at seated venues with crowds whose main purpose for being there is to listen to music. Gigs take place in venues with sticky floors and poorly lit smelly rooms where the people come to drink lots of beer and generally stand tightly packed or jump around and scream the lyrics back at the artist.

The event on Tuesday was definitely a gig. The venue was Queens University Student Union, the artist – Jamie T. There were about 800 people packed into this little space - The majority of the people younger than me. I assumed my usual position in front of the sound desk (for two reasons the first is it’s usually the best sound and second, there’s a barrier to rest against). Doors opened at 7pm and I turned up about 9pm. I wasn’t interested in getting to the front of the stage or listening to the support act. I usually like watching the support act but as this week is so busy I decided to put my wee boy to bed before heading to the gig - it wasn’t a tough choice really : get a hug and kiss good night from my son or spend 2 hours listening to music I don’t know while all around me students get gradually more drunk and more stupid.

My favourite part of the gig is the minute right before the band come on stage – the lights are dipped and the crowd start to cheer in anticipation. I like to try and guess what song they’re going to start off with. Bands usually choose something familiar and crowd pleasing. If an artist gets the first song right they can do whatever they like for the next 3/4 songs. If they get it wrong it can take 3/4 songs to get the crowd back on side (a prime example of this was the last time I saw Counting Crows they started with the song Speedway which is a great song but a terrible opening song). Jamie T kicked off with The Man’s Machine – perfect start. The crowd went mental.

I’ve been going to gigs since I could memorise a fake date-of-birth but I’ve noticed a recent trend that really annoys me. This may just be a Northern Ireland thing - this may have always happened but I just hadn’t noticed it before. The phenomenon is the throwing of your drinks over the crowd. Why would you spend £3 on a pint only to throw £1.50 of it into the crowd? I felt sorry for those people at the front of the stage who took the brunt of the beer barrage.
I caught myself looking disapprovingly at some young man beside me who with his back to the stage nonchalantly tossed his beer over his head – not too dissimilar to Begby in Trainspotting. When we made eye contact the scorn on my furrowed face abruptly put an end to his smug chortling. I was beginning to feel like a school teacher who had taken his troublesome class on a fieldtrip.

In one break between songs, after the keyboard player had been hit clean in the face by one expertly pitched half-pint, Jamie T addressed the crowd. “We remember” he stated “when we would go to gigs and throw pints at the band...” I thought to myself, Here we go, he’s about to tell everyone off. “...we didn’t do it out of malice; it was just part of going to see bands. It was a sign of how much we were enjoying ourselves...”. Arms crossed over my chest I was confident of the scolding that was to follow and I even allowed myself a little smirk as I looked down on the unruly youth around me. “...well we want to say that it’s okay to throw things – in fact during this next song throw everything you’ve got!”

WHAT???

What followed could only be described the joyful anarchy of youth as beer, clothes, people and even mobile phones were thrown towards the stage. I couldn’t help but watch and laugh as I rounded my shoulders and lowered my head in anticipation of a bombardment from the balcony above me.

I would never knowingly volunteer to be showered with beer but I can’t help thinking that if I were 15 years younger I might just have been at the front of the stage, topless, sticky and hoarse from shouting at the bass player to throw my mobile phone back!!!

Living under Brian Blessed's Wings (or How the Geek in me wants out)

2010-02-05T21:29:00.005Z

I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and try to convince myself that I am cool. I tussle my hair, I spray myself with a fragrance that advertisers have convinced me makes me attractive to animal vegetable and mineral, I wear clothes that highlight my positive features and hide the bumps, all designed by companies who’s logos I wear proudly emblazoned on my chest and butt. But even after all this effort I realise that I’m just in denial.

It’s time to confess. Many of my friends may already have known this fact but were too polite to say anything to me. I think that I may be a bit of a geek. Not the cool skinny geeks you see on American teen dramas who all do extreme sports but the slightly overweight, sci-fi and computer loving geeks.

The light bulb was dramatically turned on when I realised that my son, who has only just turned 2, is already way cooler than me. He has developed this brilliant swagger (okay it may be because he can’t walk properly yet but it still looks like he should be followed by a gang).

I have tried to disguise the geek in me. One such attempt was my desire to become a rock star which, as previous blogs have explained, ended in failure. I have even tried my hand at sports. However with football, by far my favourite sport, I am at a push, pretty average. Despite my rugby build I was never a fan of the cauliflower ears and flat noses I assumed were a compulsory part of the game. I do have a couple of trophies from my sporting heyday (primary school) but they were for badminton which let’s face it is pretty much a sport for geeks. It’s hardly the rough and tumble contact sport that is rugby. Or the dangerous blood sport of boxing (although I did pull a hammy once over stretching!!).

I am coming to terms with Geekhood. However there are still several issues which have the Geek fraternity hesitant about welcoming me under their Hawkmen’s wing*.

1. I don’t really like Star Wars
2. I don’t know how to build a website or know how to hack into anyone else’s computer
3. I don’t own a miniature figurine of any superhero/action hero
4. And I have never bought a graphic novel (that’s a comic book for grownups!)
5. I have never played World of Warcraft or been tempted to go on Second Life
6. And possibly most damning is that I have never watched the original Star Trek with Shatner and Co or my inability to speak a word of Klingon.

So that leaves me out in the wilderness! So until I am claimed by one group or the other I shall just light up my Xbox and play another game of FIFA 10 dreaming of the day I’ll be able to play football like Fabregas. Live long and prosper – if you can be bothered!

*Hawkmen appeared in the film Flash Gordon - Brian Blessed with wings, genius!!!

Review of an Unposted Blog (or How to Hold Your Electronic Tongue)

2010-01-30T19:17:00.004Z

Well that’s another week finished, let the weekend begin. I have just finished work for the week and I’m on my way home on the train feeling quite pleased that I will not have to return to Belfast until Monday (plus we’ve been paid!!!).

On my way to work this morning my spirits were not as high flying as they are now. In fact I’ve just reread the blog which I wrote this morning and I realise I was in a pretty foul disposition. It begins with a comment about feeling run down this week and feeling the pressure of having multiple responsibilities pulling at me. Although downbeat, the opening couple of paragraphs did not suggest any underlying instability. But, that was just the prologue!

What followed was an incoherent ramble about the importance of time keeping and the lack of respect shown by those who are constantly late for things – my rant mainly being aimed at the worship team. The thing was I was late to practise myself last night but even the reality of that didn’t deter the necessity I felt to vent my wrath. It got so bad at one point I thought it was going to end with “A PLAGUE ON BOTH YOUR HOUSES!!!!”

It’s amazing how in the space of 8 hours, an Ulster Fry, some orange juice with bits in and a rather easy day at work later my view of the world can be so different. Yes I have had a rather busy week; yes I am still frustrated by poor timekeeping but does it warrant the response I generated this morning.

There are two things I have learned from this episode. Firstly, I am not a morning person (especially pre-breakfast) . Secondly I am becoming more aware of how quick we are at times to speak. Here’s a couple of verses from proverbs:

Proverbs 12:18-19
18 Reckless words pierce like a sword,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
19 Truthful lips endure forever,
but a lying tongue lasts only a moment.

Proverbs 15:2
2 The tongue of the wise commends knowledge,
but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.

My rant this morning would not have brought any healing. It was anything but wise. It wouldn’t be too harsh to call it folly. I’m just grateful that I don’t have internet access on the train or I may have just posted it this morning!

Death of a Salesman (or How the Vegetarian Vultures are Circling)

2010-01-22T20:38:00.002Z

I walked into Wesley Owen Books in Belfast this week and it was busier than I have ever seen it at lunch time. It didn’t take long for me to realise why. The big red signs in the windows told me everything I needed to know:

“CLOSING DOWN SALE – EVERYTHING MUST GO”

Nothing brings out the masses like a closing down sale – and not one of those fake ‘closing down for refurbishment’ sales – a proper ‘we can’t take any of this stuff with us’ sales.

There was a total contrast of emotions on display in the store. One local preacher had accumulated a pile of books almost as big as himself, a smile across his face which read ‘This is the greatest day of my life but I must try and show some reserve’. While the cashier had the biggest fake smile I have ever seen. You just know that inside it feels like he’s lying on his back while the vultures feed on his insides.

The end of Wesley Owen is really sad for me. They were my first employer (if you don’t include my paper round). After being rejected by every college/Uni I applied to, I realised I needed to find some work. I applied for the usual supermarket / shops but got nothing. My life changed however when I wondered into Wesley Owen on George Street in Edinburgh and they offered me 2 weeks work pricing Christmas Cards in their dark basement. Being young and enthusiastic I finished the work in under a week - looking back now I realise I could easily have done myself out of a week’s pay. Anyway impressed by work ethic (or more likely feeling sorry for me) they honoured the 2 week contract and trained me up on tills and working on the shop floor. With the 2 weeks came to the end they asked if I’d mind staying on for the Christmas period. Having nothing else in place (having been rejected by HMV – my then dream job) I said yes. Almost seven years later I left Wesley Owen, I was Deputy Manager, married and extremely grateful for everything I had learned during my time there.

David Hamilton taught me about humility and grace, Graeme Campbell inspired a love for classic literature, Anne taught me that anything is possible, Joy showed patience and taught me that it is better to give than to receive and possibly the most important lesson I ever learned in Wesley Owen was when Bruce taught me how to correctly wrap parcels (a talent I now use every birthday/ Christmas).

So on Tuesday I passed the cashier my big pile of books and CDs with a tear in my eye - like a wannabe vegetarian vulture not really wanting to pick at the carcass but just unable to resist.

The Things I’ve Learned This Week (or How Santa is Refusing to Leave Town)

2010-01-15T17:58:00.003Z

1. Gritted roads are great for freedom of travel not so good for the lives of bikes.

I ventured back on to the roads this week with my trusty two-wheeled stead after the onslaught of snow had dissipated. It was nice not to have to walk to the train station - only because cycling is faster and 10 mins longer in bed is as precious to me as gold. But after a couple of days I realised that my usually smooth ride had become a little jerky and my little bike was struggling to change gears with ease. At this time of year all of my cycling takes place in the dark – its dark when I go to work, dark when I get back - so I hadn’t noticed that my trusty friend was totally rusty. I’m no good with bike maintenance and a little lazy so I may ignore the problem until I have to take him out the back and put the old boy down.

“STEPH, PASS ME MY SHOTGUN!!!”

2. Church Boilers are Expensive

This week’s band practise was cancelled due to the boiler exploding** at church. Expensive business replacing boilers

3. People will Steal Just About Anything

Someone stole our wheelie bin this week. Scum*

4. James Cameron Knows a Thing or Two About Making Movies

It is no exaggeration to say that this week’s viewing of Avatar in 3D was by far the greatest cinematic experience of my life. Okay the film has its problems, mainly the lead actor’s dodgy American accent that was Australian more than it was Yank. Also its not the most original story it’s been told many times before. But none of that is important at all.

What is important is the way the story is told. James Cameron who apparently has been cultivating this idea for years waited patiently for the technology to catch up with his vision. Was it worth the wait? YEAH BABY!!! I sat with my mouth open for the majority of the film. The visuals are stunning and what Cameron has managed to achieve with the 3D technology surpasses all that has gone before. He never feels the need to revert to the old cheap trick of things sticking out of the screen at you (for a comedy reference of this find Friday 13th in 3D where the guy is killed by a pitch fork. Hilarious!). EVERY scene has depth. You feel that you are in the middle of the action.

Cameron who may have lost his throne in recent years to Peter Jackson has taken back his crown by force with the rise of his rampaging blue army.

The King is dead, long live the King!!!

5. Santa is Refusing to Leave Town

In December we were struck with a really cute idea – why not teach our nearly 2 year old son a few Christmas songs. On car journeys hearing him belt out “You better watch out...Santa Claus is coming to town” was very amusing. So amusing both my wife and I would double over laughing. Encouraged by the positive response it fast became his favourite song. Well its several weeks after Christmas now and Santa is refusing to leave. Mid January trying to explain to my son that his favourite song is now not appropriate as Santa has gone home to the North Pole and will not be back until next year is falling on deaf ears.

Albums I’m Currently Listening to: The Swell Season – Strict Joy / The Dead Weather – Horehound

Books I am Currently Reading : Brennan Manning – The Ragamuffin Gospel / David Simon & Edward Burns – The Corner: A Year In The Life Of An Inner-city Neighbourhood

* I use the word Scum with christian love...obviously!
**Boiler may not have actually exploded but that sounds way more dramatic than just breaking down

Anything Can Happen on a Snow-Day!!!

2010-01-07T19:57:00.002Z

This week I did something I have never done before. The act made me feel a little guilty, slightly scared and very childish, but it did make me laugh my head off.

We had experience a significant dusting of snow in Portadown at the weekend. Not so much that we were forced to abandon cars at the side of the road and seek shelter in the nearest department store but enough for the kids to make snowmen and for the council to regret not buying enough grit for the roads.

I have to admit when I see snow I get quite giddy. My brother and I have an on-going competition about who has the most snow (let’s be honest me and my brother have competitions about everything – this is just an additional one involving snow. Other brotherly competitions include ‘Best Round of Golf’, ‘Biggest Tv’, ‘Laziest Day at Work’ and my personal favourite ‘Latest Gadget’). Because he lives in Edinburgh he more often than not beats me on the snow front. How am I supposed to compete with tales of his work grounding to a halt to head out and have a big 2 day snowball fight? This is no ordinary fight – my brother having been trained by Her Majesty’s Forces feels the need to employ special tactics – namely filling his van with dozens of snowballs and driving round the site while his partner hangs out the side door lobbing snow grenades at fellow conflict colleagues.

I hear a lot of mumbling and moaning about the bad weather (a lot of it I must add from the wife) but I think you have to just learn to embrace it. Don your woolly jumpers, hats, scarves and gloves – find an untouched plot of freshly fallen snow and just fall into its heavenly arms and make the best snow angel you’ve ever made. When was the last time you made a snowman? I’m telling you that you don’t need kids to make a snowman. Let the inner child out. Throw a snowball at a loved one – nothing says I love you more at this season than a tightly packed ball of snow on the head!

Here’s another thing that as an adult you can do. Now before I divulge what took place on Monday I want to stress that although my inner child was released it was still very much under the adult supervision of my subconscious. Also that the opportunity that opened up for me may never happen for you. You could wait a lifetime for such the chance. For me, on Monday morning, the planets aligned and a small window into another world was opened for the briefest time. I was fortunate enough to see it and stupid enough to leap towards it.

When driving home on Monday morning from having dropped off my son at nursery, for unknown reasons I took a longer road home. I was meandering through the now white streets, enjoying with all my senses the beautiful winter scene, when out of the corner of my eye I passed a sight so wonderful that I was forced to stop and reverse the car to see if my eyes had indeed been playing tricks on me (like the snow version of the oasis mirage in the desert). Between the terraced houses lay before me a foreign world so magical a tear formed in the corner of my eye. It was an empty car park, untouched be foot or car. I couldn’t have been more excited if I’d discovered the door to Narnia itself.

What followed was ten minutes of pure unadulterated man-fun. By the time I had finished, this unspoilt land was well and truly... spoilt!

Self-Discipline - The Impossible Made Possible (or How 53 Posts Changed My Life)

2010-01-01T23:37:00.003Z

Here’s my challenge for the New Year (oh Happy New Year everybody) – To write one blog per week for the entire year! That’s 53 posts (if you include tonight’s).

I know at this point the serious bloggers among you are laughing. Let’s face it some of you can rack up 52 posts in a week, but I’m not like you. I lack the one key element that all professional bloggers have in abundance – Self-discipline.

For years I have dismissed its importance, proudly stating that I am but an artistic soul and therefore self-discipline is not within my nature. But frankly that’s just bollocks (pardon my tone – but I felt the situation warranted it). You see what I am is...how can I put it? Lazy. It’s nothing fancier than that. I may try and call it something flash like ‘My Vagabond Heart’ or ‘My Fantasist Psyche’ but really I’m just lazy - ‘The Sultan of Shortcuts’, ‘The King of the Quick and Easy’ ‘The Lord of the Lethargic’. I think you get my point.

So what can posting one blog a week prove? Well by doing this I prove to myself (and to you) that I can set my mind to do something and most importantly see it through to its conclusion (which in this case is my 53rd post on 31st December 2010).

The rules are simple. One post a week – to be online no later than the Friday of that week. It must be longer than 25 words. Simple. Please feel free to send me any encouragement throughout the year – likewise any guesses as to when it will all unravel like an old woolly jumper with a loose thread will also spur me on.
Here’s to the next 52 weeks – let’s hope it is eventful and action-packed otherwise this could be the most boring exercise in history.

(Please note that I have selected the lazier option – back in July 2008 my friend had completed his challenge of writing a blog everyday for a year!!! You can read his years thoughts here http://growingseasons.blogspot.com)

New Christmas Songs

2009-12-14T22:42:00.004Z

In response to my last post I thought I'd share a couple of songs. One new and one of my favourites. Enjoy, Thanks to Paul Knox for the first one.

You might like to try Sovereign Grace Ministries album called Saviour: Celebrating the Mystery of God Become Man, A couple of songs in particular Rejoice and The Son of God Came Down (follow this link to hear samples - http://www.sovereigngracestore.com/ProductInfo.aspx?productid=M4185-00-21)

Merry Christmas!

Chris Rea, Coke and All Things Christmas

2009-12-08T23:04:00.004Z

With every Christmas time as a worship leader I scour the virtual shelves of my favourite music websites in search of some new Christmas music. It’s my annual search for something fresh for this time of year. Now I have nothing against a good old traditional carol, in fact I’ll try and slip a Christmas hymn in to a service as early as I can but even I cannot beat the retailers in their pursuit to extend the festive period. To be battered into submission in October is not cool – Yes Argos I’m talking to you!!! No matter how loud you make Noddy Holder shout it, it most certainly is not Christmas.

I’m not naive enough to think it has anything to do with a love for Christmas - it’s all about sales, simple cash in the tills. The earlier you tell people Christmas is coming (cue the Coca-Cola Truck driving through snow covered countryside carrying in the back not the suggested bottles and cans of coke but the imprisoned 100 piece choir shackled together and forced to constantly whisper “Holidays are Coming, Holidays are Coming, Holidays are Coming, Holidays are Coming”), the earlier the panic sets in – “You must buy this item before it sells out we only have 1800 left in stock and the next delivery won’t be until tomorrow!!!!”

Anyway, I’ll get off my soap box because it is now Christmas. Christmas songs: I love a bit of O Holy Night and Hark the Herald Angels, I even like the Sunday School rendition of Little Donkey (with the Sunday School leaders belting out the songs louder than any of the kids – most of whom are not even sure why they’re standing in front of all these smiling and teary-eyed faces). I can even put up with the lyrical and factual weirdness of some of the more traditional carols – for example In the Bleak Mid-winter. The line ‘Snow has fallen snow on snow - brilliant, paints a beautiful picture of thick snow but obviously ran out of ideas where to go next so as all good songwriters we fall back to the golden rule: If in doubt, repeat!

Snow has fallen , Snow on Snow, Snoooow on snow

Anyway, amid the usual suspects you occasionally find a gem of a new song that makes you sit up and pay attention. Every now and then among the auto-pilot Away in a Mangers you hear the hauntingly beautiful Thorn in the straw or a Mary did you Know.
It is now just over 2 weeks to Christmas and my tree is up, Chris Rea and Shakin’ Stevens are on the radio again, The Bank of England tell us we’re now out of recession (hmmm...convenient), turkey’s everywhere are saying their goodbyes to their friends and families, people’s faces are getting redder and redder from stress and overindulgence and somewhere in the craziness, among the tinsel and mince pies, if you take the time to just listen you’ll hear a small voice whispering - not, that holidays are coming but that a baby was born 2000 years ago and that one event changed everything that had gone before and since.

The Wisdom of Alton - Part 1

2009-10-12T23:34:00.002+01:00

Never make big decisions at 3am or when sitting on the toilet. Definitely never make big decisions at 3am whilst sitting on the toilet.

Er...has anyone seen Neil?

2009-09-22T19:11:00.005+01:00

Remember me?

It’s been a while. There are many reasons why but none that I'm sure you're interested in. Anyway, I bought myself a netbook (Samsung NC10 if you're interested) with the thought that with the hour and a half commute to and from work I would be able to spend time writing blogs, emails, songs, short stories, letters to my MP and 101 other exciting things. The truth is all I've really managed to do is get through 2 seasons of The Wire, one season of Futurama and half a season on Eureka.

It’s so easy when you get on the train to plug in and switch off. My train journeys have never been so short. But I can't help thinking that I'm wasting time. Time - the resource that everyone has identified as precious.

You may think that with the arrival of this new post I have realised the error of my frivolous use commuter time and am spending it on the things I had intended to do. Regrettably you would be wrong - I'm currently at home, enjoying a moment’s peace while the wife gets my wee boy ready for bed.

Who knows what my future commutes hold, possibly a string of well thought, inspiring blog posts, a plethora of new songs, a collection of funny short stories, possibly even my much anticipated memoirs (yawn), all I know is that I have the 2nd half of season one of Eureka to watch...then the world's my creative oyster!

I have issues - FACT!!!

2009-07-05T16:06:00.004+01:00

Its been a while. Its been really busy. One of the things that has kept me busy is the developments with regards the worship team at the church. After months of study, prayer and lots of conversations with different members of the church we finally had a chance to get everyone together and lay out our thoughts on where we believed God was leading us. Here's the vision we shared. This provoked plenty of questions, concerns and lots of discussions. Please let me know your thoughts. I'll let you know what happened next in a post later.
-------------------------------

Worship

For years we have been saying how much of a blessing it is that we have so many musicians and singers at the church. As we began to assess how we can develop and deepen the worship life of the fellowship, we realised that having so many people involved and almost a different band each week has unfortunately created an environment of inconsistency. The music ministry of this fellowship merits a more professional mindset.
It is for this reason we have decided to reduce the number of those involved (this has been trialled on a smaller scale with the cafe church band and has proved very successful)

For this to work it requires a few of things from the individuals involved:

Firstly is calling - a passion for leading worship - lets make this clear, it is not a passion for singing or playing an instrument, it is not even a passion for worship. It is a passion for leading God's people in worship. Just as some people are called to enter into a certain ministry it is equally so for the worship team. There needs to be a calling - a deep assurance that this is where the Lord is asking you to give your skills and your time. It would be very wrong of us to assume that just because we enjoy doing something we are therefore called to do that.

This leads us to the second point which is commitment. Without the calling, commitment becomes really difficult. Firstly we need a commitment to the fellowship, which is why we must insist that you are a member of the church here. If you are unsure if you are a member or even what it means to be a member Paul is willing to chat with you about that. In addition to that we need a commitment to pray together, a commitment to practise together, a commitment to practise and pray on our own, to learn new songs / relearn old songs, a commitment to work as a single unit - musicians, tech people and preacher as one. Be under no illusions, it will make real demands your time. There will be a requirement to attend a mid week practise where we will pray together, work on arrangements, both musical and vocal, and then practise. Bob Kauflin in his book 'Worship Matters' states that we don't practise until we get something right; we need to practise until we can't get it wrong.

This leads us nicely on to the final part which is competence. In order for the band to successfully lead the church in worship we need to establish an environment that enables the band themselves to worship. If there are singers and musicians involved who do not have a certain level of skill it can create tension and distraction within the team which ultimately takes the focus away from God. We can't be worshiping if we are worrying about if so or so is going to be singing in tune or if so or so playing in a different key or completely out time. During worship is not the place to be learning an instrument (developing and deepening existing skills yes - but not learning).

We are aware that it is important that the younger musicians continue to be encouraged and develop their skills. It is for that reason we intend we maintain a youth band and to provide appropriate opportunities for them to use their musical gifts.

It is a real blessing that we have so many musically gifted people but that doesn't mean that everyone who can sing or play an instrument should automatically be involved in the music ministry of the church.
I want to encourage you to pray and study - seek God's guidance. We can't stress enough the responsibility there is in being a part of this ministry. God demands that we give him our best. Ask yourselves the questions "Is this where God is calling me?", "Do I have the required skills?" and "Can I fully commit to this?"

A Question of Character (or How We All Need a Regular Reality-Checkup!)

2009-05-23T23:01:00.004+01:00

This has been a fascinating week for me. With my increased responsibilities with regards the music ministry within the church I have spent the last few months studying ‘Worship’ – trying to establish what I believe and why I believe it. I have also been looking at why we do the things we do within our church services – putting each practice through a biblical filter (not a giant bible machine – although how handy would that be!), trying to establish what is biblical truth and what is just a tradition that has been passed down through the generations.

I am totally blown away by what God has shown me. While I have been searching for practical answers to only too real problems, God has been revealing his character, drawing me closer and setting a far more important agenda - Glorifying God. Giving God glory should be the only agenda. Everything I do needs to come to that conclusion. It’s our goal, purpose, role, position or as some of our predecessors put it – the chief end of man.

Westminster Larger Catechism
Question One: “What is the chief and highest end of man?
Answer: Man’s chief and highest end is to glorify God, and fully to enjoy him forever”

Now I love the second part of that statement “fully to enjoy him forever”. It reminds me of a couple of my favourite verses:

One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple”(Pslam 27v4)

and

Better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere (Psalm 84v10)

It reminds me of the joy that I get when I worship God.

You see when we praise God, God is pleased.

he will rejoice over you with gladness,
he will renew you in his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing’ (Zeph 3 v 17).

When God is pleased he sings his love song over us (sounds a bit weird but just think about it – God, the creator of everything, the giver of life, the all-powerful, all-knowing, showers us with love – Now that is mind-blowing).

You might remember as a child when you did something for your mum or dad. You put effort into making a pencil holder, paper weight or even some buns – maybe it was because it was Mother’s Day / Father’s Day or maybe you were inspired by those overly enthusiastic presenters on Blue Peter. Any way, why did you do it? Because giving the homemade gift was a simple way to show your love. Was it perfect? No (in fact some of the baked goods I produced were downright poisonous). Were they totally pleased and excited when they saw it? YES!!! I feel it’s the same when we give our worship to God (not just our songs but in everything we do to glorify his name). It may never be perfect, he may not need it but is God pleased when we put our heart into it and give it to him simply to show him we love him? I know he is!!! And I get that same feeling when I think about my Heavenly Father smiling upon me as I did when I saw the joy on my mum or dad’s face.

We complicate things so much. My head at times is a total mess. You see, I was worried about problems and God reminded me of his promises. I was worried about my responsibilities and God reminded me of our relationship.

Talk about a reality check!!!

Myths of Parenthood part 1

2009-05-14T22:55:00.005+01:00

MYTH No. 1 - Kids are so much easier to manage before they can walk

There are a set of standard questions parents ask of other parents when discussing their kids. For example we have the classic - What weight was s/he? (Most appropriate just after the baby is born - not so appropriate when discussing potty training!). Then we come to probably the most common question in baby small talk history - Who does s/he look like? It’s really funny because everybody sees something different. For example my wee boy Callum who at the weekend had my eyes, today has Steph's eyes! When asked this question I like to throw in a few curve balls - "He has Yoda's face, Abraham Lincoln's nose and Ben Afleck's eyebrows".

To me it’s all a bit weird, like there is some desperate need to see some part of yourself in your offspring. Frankly if Callum looks nothing like me I'll consider it a blessing for the wee man - he dodged a massive bullet there!!!

Anyway, enough false self-deprecation, the point is, kids change so much in such a short space of time. For example 2 weeks ago Callum could hardly walk the length of himself then almost overnight he was up, up and away!

Before this momentous occasion occurred we were inundated with the comment “Enjoy this time before they can walk cause afterwards it’s a nightmare, they just get into everything!” It’s a total myth people!!! My life just got sooooooo much easier. He was already into everything anyway. From the moment he learned how to roll to get where he wanted (this later developed into lightning fast 4-limb drive crawling) he was seeking out danger in all its forms. His determination to kill himself has been unprecedented. We had his unwavering pursuit of sticking electrical things in his mouth; his resolute quest to throw himself down the stairs and his favourite game “What happens when I hit my head against this object?”

Before you phone the social worker, super dad has prevented most major incidents from happening.

Anyway, now he can walk I no longer have to carry him everywhere. He wants to walk. It’s brilliant – that’s 2 stone less I have to worry about. I have enough weight of my own. Plus he’s getting some really funky dance moves (usually to the Mr Men theme tune or Girls Aloud on the radio – he gets that from his mum, honest). Most entertaining.

That’s enough change though for now. He’s already growing up way to fast. I just want him to stay this age for at least a few more years….please!

More challenges than you can shake a stick at

2009-05-13T22:24:00.007+01:00

I'm really in the thick of things now. My new responsibilities as Worship Coordinator are unravelling themselves as each day passes. Its really exciting. I love a challenge and this is definitely my biggest yet. Having attended my first church council meeting this week I feel it is now official (technically it's not official until September - but that's just a administrative technicality).

The work also began last week in converting the church sports hall into our new worship space. You see we've out-grown the current church building and with the current global financial mess the new church could be a few years away.

Challenge 1 : How can you turn a barn like sports hall into an appropriate space for worship?

One word 'Carpet'. Okay, that's not going to quite do it but its a great start. There is an outstanding team of experts assembled (and me). Building and electrical experts, decor design geniuses and a techie wizard (not literally a wizard mind you, especially now he's shaved his beard off, but he knows his Peavey from his Bose. If it has a button, a knob or a flashing light, he knows what it does). My input so far his been a lot of nodding in agreement and telling them how big a platform we needed for the band. As has been established in the previous post I have not been asked to do any rewiring! God willing the grand opening of the hall will be the end of August.

Challenge 2 : How do you manage a nearly 50 person strong music team?

Answers on a postcard please!!!

DIY - The Underated Art Form

2009-04-05T11:30:00.006+01:00

There's a common theme running through my DIY history. My brother , mother and definitely my wife can confirm this for you (if you ever happen to be chatting to any of them). I never quite finish a job. Now I'm not talking about those crazies you see on the DIY shows who have destroyed several rooms of their houses because they thought it would be cheaper to re-wire the house themselves - only to find out that the A6 leaflet they picked up from B&Q entitled "Everything You Need to Know About Re-wiring Your House" turned out not to have all the answers.

I know my limitations. Will maybe i don't, but I always assess any potential new projects by asking one simple question: Could it kill me? If the answer is 'No', then I'll give it a go. If the answer is 'Yes', then its time to call in the professionals.

Flatpack is my speciality (I know that's hardly DIY but give me a break). To give you a clearer picture here's some of my limitation: Does it require me to fit into small spaces? Then give someone else a call; Does the job require the use of two or more tools? Er...pass; Will it take longer than 20 mins? Then I'll probably not finish it.

Are you getting the picture. Just to make it crystal clear I tried to paint the ceiling of my bedroom. I was maybe 17/18 at the time. I got half-way across when I got bored. I had a line across the ceiling for years. Another time I tried to change a light switch once. I carefully read the instructions. Red (live), Brown (neutral) and Green/Yellow wire (earth) check! I took out the fuse (less chance of death that way), looked for my coloured wires and found 2 red wires and one black wire!!!!!! What??? ABORT ABORT!!!!

Anyway the wife has come up with the perfect solution - ask my brother

The 15 Year Old School Jotter

2009-03-16T22:02:00.006Z

This is a weird week for me. I've been involved in Youth work for nearly 15 years - almost half of my life. I started running my first youth club with friends when we were still youths ourselves, under the watchful eye of our old youth leader. This Sunday I will be leaving that chapter behind - possibly for just a while but quite possibly forever. Making big changes like this often spark episodes of reflection. Images and stories from the past come to the front of our minds as we think back. There are some brilliant stories I could tell you but I'd be here all night.

This change has been coming for over well over a year now. With my pursuit of Rock Stardom (see previous post) out of the window, my responsibilities had been divided between youthwork and worship - to the detriment of them both. I'm a firm believer that if you're going to do something, do it right. To do that, a decision had to be made as to which I should focus my time on. You see Youthwork for me is comfortable - its the old pair of shoes or that baggy jumper. Over the years I've had most situations thrown at me and I've survived - we have a history, I've grown up with youth work. Worship on the other hand is the new pair of boots I haven't quite worn in yet. There are many more blisters to come before they get comfortable!

My old youth leader Sheila died a few months ago. She was not only a great friend and teacher but an amazing example of how a life should be lived. She has taught me so much over the years. I think I was 8 years old when I first met her. She was my primary 3 teacher. She then went on to be my SU leader; then as we went to secondary school our youth leader; after I committed my life to Christ she took me to her church and became my bible class leader; she taught me piano for 5 years, helping me understand how music works; she bought my first band their first drum kit (ha , the church never saw that one coming!!!). She let Steph and I live in her house for weeks when we had sold our house and needed a place to stay before we moved to Ireland. Each step of the way she would share her faith with us - not preaching it, not ramming it down our throats but by LIVING it!!! I will really miss her and hope that I can live up to her example.

Wow, I'm crying (again!!!). Anyway why bring that up? Over the last few weeks a mutual friend has had the hard task of going through all of Sheila’s things and has been sending me packages of random stuff that Sheila has kept over the years. She kept everything! They include lots of photos, drawings, and letters.

In the last package I got there was an old school jotter. Sheila had given us the book to record the minutes of the meetings we had about the new Youth Club we were setting up - 15 years ago! Amazing!! It feels as if it has all come full circle. I'm back there again, a teenager, excited and scared about how I've landed with this responsibility - yet burning with a desire to encourage, teach and share God's love just as Sheila had with us.

Although I move away from youthwork I take with me, into my worship, that same excitement, fear and desire. Here's to the next 15 years!!!

All is Forgiven Alan Hanson (or The Problem With Not Having Sky Sports)

2009-03-11T23:09:00.005Z

Tonight I was reduced to listening to Arsenal win a penalty shootout in the Champions League on 5 Live. I'm sorry but Mark "Brighty" Bright should not be allowed near any game with a microphone!!! The nonsense he was coming out with tonight was totally winding me up.

I then watched the highlights on RTE (Irish telly). It was like watching the 2 old boys from the Muppet Show (you know the ones who heckle from the balcony). Alan Hanson all is forgiven

Running is not an option

2009-03-11T22:42:00.006Z

Interesting times at the moment in N. Ireland. There is so much tension in the air. The murders in recent days have brought back terrible memories for many people. Echoes from yesterday emerging from the shadows to haunt a country once more.

I knew nothing about "The Troubles" when I moved over here from Edinburgh 8 years ago. The peace process well underway by then. I don't fully understand what has gone on before. I've heard lots of stories - but hearing stories and living on the streets where it was all happening is a completely different thing. So for that reason I have only one comment....there is always hope.

Today I took my place with thousands of other residents of Northern Ireland, from all parts of the country, from all backgrounds (both political and religious), in a moment of silent demonstration outside the city hall in Belfast. I was quite moved by the feeling of unity and the sense of hope.

My brother has asked me several times this week when I'm moving back to Edinburgh but for me, running away is not an option. So as I did this afternoon I choose to stand with my neighbours without any fear of what might happen or who will do what and shout in a loud voice "there is always hope!"

The Trouble With Being a Wannabe Rock Star

2009-02-26T22:21:00.003Z

I feel I have not been as committed to the worship (or my role in the worship life of the church) as my outward, or public, self has been declaring.

This is a new thought.

It hit me yesterday on the train home from work. Up until this point I had convinced myself that I was fully committed. I had discussed the subject of taking on more responsibility with regards the worship in the church with close friends and church leaders. I had been praying about it, studying the bible and reading lots of books (or at times just parts of books – I’m not great at finishing them). Decisions were made and outwardly I was Mr Commitment, Mr Passion-for-worship, Mr Lead-by-God-to-lead-worship – when secretly, unbeknown to even me, I was holding back.

Let me try and explain. In my mind I’ve held on to the idea that I will one day be a rock star. I visualise myself standing on a stage in front of thousands of people who are all there to see me; the singing along to every song, belting each syllable back at me with love and admiration. I’ve even seen my face on the front covers of Rolling Stone, NME, Q or even Smash hits (when I was a wee boy); playing live for Jools Holland or Jo Whiley; the next gig was always the gig where I was going to be discovered as a musical genius – each unfamiliar face was a A&R person at a big record label waiting to raise me up as the new rock god!!!

So what happened?

Lots of things - is the short answer. After much soul searching and a couple of MASSIVE signs from God I realised that I needed to put my wannabe rock star antics to bed and transfer my energy into trekking across the relatively unknown land of worship.

So we finally get to what happened yesterday to shake me (sorry about the delay).

Well I bumped into a musician and fellow songwriter friend I’d done several gigs with on the folk scene in Northern Ireland. We hadn’t seen each other for quite a while and naturally our short conversation was dominated with the subject of music. I asked her if she had been up to much (she was holding a 4 month old baby – so kind of already knew the answer). She then reciprocated and asked me the same question. Here was my moment to share what God had been doing in my life and how I’d been filled this amazing passion for worship and leading God’s people in worship. How I feel lead to pour out my heart in worship whenever I pick up my guitar these days. My response…please do not think any less of me…was two words….two simple words that when out of my mouth crushed me; I could have sworn I heard a cock crowing in the distance; I could see the entire congregation of the church in front of me with their head in their hands in disbelief; I could see Nelson from The Simpsons pointing at me saying “Ha ha”. I said:

“Nothing much”

Arghhhhhhhh!!!! It was that moment I realised I hadn’t committed myself to anything. I was still standing with a foot in each boat – with the boats slowly drifting apart.

The rock star is dead, the servant has risen and I will sing to the Lord a new song.

A need to write.

2009-02-25T21:50:00.000Z

I've been reading peoples blogs for years and have often wondered what would compel someone to pour out random warbling online for anyone to see; often deeply personal things or frequently pointless observations with the occasional heartbreaking/ uplifting story thrown in for good measure.

I still don't have an answer to why they do it - maybe that should now be why WE do it.

The need to write has just hit me. There's plenty I want to put down. In many ways I'm not writing for anyone else other than me. If people read this and enjoy it, or even hate it, that’s just fine with me. If no one ever reads this I will still be happy with it.

Why the title "Confessions of a Confused Worship Leader"? It's what has sparked this whole thing off. The last 3 or 4 years have been completely life changing for me. I feel that there have been a series of specific events that have lead me to where I am now. If you have stumbled across this blog and you hope to find answers then I'm afraid you may be disappointed. I am drowning in questions and the answers I get to my questions in themselves create more questions. I hope to share some of this journey in the bog over the next few months and in turn share some of my questions.

All you need to know just now is that through God’s divine planning I find myself, 32 years of age and a worship leader at the local Methodist church in Richhill, Co. Armagh, Northern Ireland and I'm totally and utterly confused about almost everything.